Naps are great for clearing your head. Prior to that, you've got all these thoughts buzzing around, kicking up mad storms of mental dust. I think I've finally been able to wrap my head around the things that people have been telling me these days. But before I get into that, I should finish what I started yesterday.
So... A friend and I had a talk yesterday, continuous throughout our Nuit Blanche episode. It started off as just "How are you doing these days?" but soon enough, we were talking about the decisions you make in life. We didn't get too far into it, but it set my mind spinning once I started thinking.
Security vs Freedom. With security, you have the comfort of knowing how things are, where things stand and what you have to do. However, you can't take any chances at what you might want, for fear of changing your happy, predictable life as it is. With freedom, you can choose to pursue what you want, and you can go at it with everything you have. The problem is that you can't predict the consequences. And who knows? Something may just go terribly wrong (as I've already found out.)
The decision to make now, that I seem to always have to make, is which road to take. On the one hand, I'm always being a risk-taker. I do things my way, and I go for whatever I want, regardless of the possible consequences. On the other hand... I don't know. It sort of feels like I should've learned my lesson by now- that it's not quite so easy to trust someone, that I should be cautious with everyone I meet, even if they aren't anything alike.
"Well..." I say to myself. "Let's think about this, aight?
"So far, you've been jumping headfirst into everything, and giving it all you've got. I know it sounds good in your head and all, but let's see where that's gotten you. It's left you with 2 back-stabbing jerks, a bunch of lost friends, and people who won't even look you in the eye. Sure, there's the occassional guy who remains your friend (and seriously, he's a great friend), but is it really worth the risk? Why would you do that to yourself?" (This continued for quite some time.)
After that hours-long lecture from myself, I still didn't have an answer for myself. But now I'm thinking... maybe it wouldn't be so bad to see where this goes all on its own.
"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-
Quote Neil Gaiman
ttyl. :)
P.S- The only bad thing about that nap is that I don't wanna go to sleep now... Oops.
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