Pumpkin Screams in the Dead of Rhyme

"Hi. Today, it's Halloween. What will you be dressing up as?"

Life.
There are moments when it's great, and you feel like you can fly.
There are also moments when you wanna break down and cry.
Things always go wrong, no matter how hard you try.
Things so delicate, they shatter with just one little lie.

Here are the lessons I've learned so far:
-Trust no one, no matter who they are.
-It's love you're after, not war.
-In golf, it's impossible to stay on par. (for me, at least.)
-Things don't always go your way.
-There's always a way to brighten a day.
-Don't get too serious, just stay in play.
-It's only a dream, to fly away.

I wrote this for I'm not sure why
All I know is it started from one small lie
And now the only thing left for I
Is to say
goodbye
ttyl. :)

P.S- I didn't mean for this to rhyme.
But surely and steadily, it fell in time.
I can only hope it's not a crime...
Now all that's left is for you to be mine.

Bad Day

"Hi. Today, I felt like everything. I felt like breaking, I felt like crying, I felt like banging my head against the wall. The world drove me mad, made me scream and go silent. I couldn't stand anything at all."

I guess it was just one of those days. Or rather, it is one of those days, seeing as the day hasn't ended yet. First off, I woke up early to get to jazz. It was cold in the house, but I still dragged myself out. Normally, I have no problem with this. But I ended up having to wait for my mom to get out of bed, get dressed, have her morning coffee, read the papers, check her email, yadda yadda yadda until we were finally in the car and on our way to rehearsal.

For the rest of the day, the sky was seriously overcast-  not a stream of sunlight to be seen. It was a dark, grey day, and it didn't help my mood at all. To top it all off, I'm still rather sleep-deprived, making me grumpy and short-tempered, although I tried to hide that as much as possible.

What really bothered me today was the way our school's ensembles behaved in rehearsals. (WARNING: major rant coming up.)

Let's start with the Wind Ensemble. Sure, we might have a good sound... when we're focused. Sure, we might be able to learn music quickly... if only we used that ability. But you know what? None of that matters when we haven't an ounce of good musicianship in our ensembly bones. People talked before playing, between songs, even during pieces, which I found most disrespectful. And when conducted to stop, it took about a minute or two before everyone finally put down their instruments. Yet after that, people continued to talk. It was a rehearsal where nothing got done. It's obvious that almost no one has been practising (and I mean REALLY practising, not just blowing hot air towards their practise logs.) It was a complete waste of my time.

What disturbed me most about Wind Ensemble was- and it really kills to say this- the percussion section. My own section. Usually, I pride myself on having the best-behaved and the closest-knit section in the school. We usually have all of our music printed and learned, we have sectionals, we have our fun moments, and we even have cookie days sometimes. But this year? This year, people are slacking. Music isn't getting learned- it isn't even getting printed! Percussionists are getting lazy as well. No, you don't sit down during the rests between the notes you play, you're a percussionist- stand up and play like you mean it. And NO, you most DEFINITELY do NOT play while sitting down. WATCH the conductor. LISTEN to the ensemble. BALANCE your sound. AND SO ON.

I realize that I'm being unreasonably tough on the section, but this isn't what the Bayview Music Department senior percussion section is like. Over the years, I've become accustomed to the high level of performance and musicianship between the section. This year is a total let-down. I've come to expect excellence- and I still do.

After Wind Ensemble was Jazz Choir rehearsal. Every week since it has started, I've left Jazz Choir rehearsal wanting to shoot myself. The Jazz Choir has always been the elite choir of the school. It's always been composed of the seniors, and it's the group that inspires. This year, the same group is struggling with simple rhythms, jazz feels, and even keeping in tune and in time. (Have you ever heard the joke about singers not needing to tune? THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE TO!) The singers are new- grade 10s and 11s without singing background or experience, students who aren't at the level expected of the usual Jazz Choir. Worse yet, the teacher in charge this year has no experience in jazz at all. The music choices aren't good, the accompanists have no clue what they're doing, and frankly, neither does the conductor. Like with Wind Ensemble, we are getting nowhere.

I was literally THISCLOSE to just walking out on both ensembles today. Those of you who know me will know how big of a deal that is. But really, with the level that the ensembles are at and at the rate we're progressing, this is all just a waste of my time.

goodbye
ttyl. :)

P.S- It's more like D:< today. I apologize for ranting, and being so hard on the ensembles, but really? We could be so much better. This level of performance and musicianship disgusts me. (For those individuals who really do practice and work hard, please realize that I mean the ensembles in general. Not you guys.)

Target Practice

"Hi. Today, I covered some parts at the GTPO concert. It wasn't that hard, and was sorta boring, really... But I met a really cute guy (haha!) Let's just hope he doesn't read blogs- This blog, in particular."

Ready
I've been feeling for a while that it's time for some change. I'm always looking back at myself, and reflecting that there are definitely some problems that need fixing- bad habits, horrible sleep cycles (no really) and the like- but I've always been too passive to fix them. So, as of today, I'm OFFICIALLY setting this in stone (err... e-stone.) I will get these things accomplished.

Aim
The following is a list of goals and the times I want them achieved.

-STOP BEING SO DAMN PASSIVE. Like. RIGHT NOW.

-Get all marks in school up by like... 20%. Seriously. The effort has to start now. Done by (or before!) December.

-Apply to and prepare auditions for: University of Toronto, Western, York, Humber, Julliard? (Oh god.)

-Decide if I really want to double major. If so, in what? (Too many choices...) By Halloween.

-Lose weight. About 50 pounds. By tomorrow would be nice. (Lol okay no, maybe like... 10. By... Christmas, we'll say.)

-Get driver's insurance already! (Okay, this is more up to my parents, but KEEP BUGGING THEM!)

-Clean my room. If work were to start on it now, I'd say it'd be done by... Christmas.

-Get something up on YouTube! ASAP! Before November!

-Keep on trucking along. Don't lose yourself to stress, to emotions, to distraction. Do not allow for weakness. This is forever.

I think that's all there is for now... (I'll add more if I think of any. xD)
You, reader, shall bear as my witness.
I've readied myself.
I've taken aim.
All that's left now is to
Fire.

goodbye
ttyl. :)

P.S- Unfortunately, it seems he's already got a girlfriend. Oh well- He owes me a pair of hang drums for christmas. :)

Give me Boardwalk! D:

"Hi. Today, I called my older sister. I ordered a salad, a large fries, a mountain dew, and the country of Ghana."

It was hilarious. I could even see my dad trying really hard (and failing) not to laugh. See, when we called, I used this horrible viet accent (ownage pranks, do you agree?) and my little sister used a horrible indian accent. We also ordered Boardwalk, props to the mickdee's monopoly thing, but she wouldn't give it to us. Boo.

Anyhoo, I haven't got much time to write. I've been pretty busy for the past few days... (I'm now at 80 hours without sleep! I'm getting there, Abteen S.!)

The past few days have been sorta boring, really. After parent-teacher interview night on Thursday, I got home and got to work on my english essay. Worked on it till about... 1:30 on Friday. Then, got showered, went to Music Council, then off to Gramma's house I went. It wasn't too much fun... Only my little cousins were there. And they are MONSTERS. To say the least. Would've been much better if the cousins of my generation came (but they already had plans.) So yes. Got home from gramma's, edited Mavis' essay, polished up mine, then sent it in at EXACTLY 11:59pm. Take that, Ellinas!

So today... Let's see. I've got to work in about an hour... Until about 6:30-ish. Then, it's off to the Calvin Presbyterian Church downtown. I get to play with the Greater Toronto Philharmonic Orchestra today. I'm sightreading everything! (While running on negative sleep hours!) Wish me luck, haha.

On a completely unrelated parting note...
Sometimes, it's just not worth it.

goodbye
ttyl. :)

P.S- The total came to $931.56, said my sister. I haggled it down to $9.31 by "knocking off only two numbers." Good times, good times.

♪♫Music and Rhythm find their way into the (secret) places of the soul.
                                                      -Plato

Cuz it's 9 in the afternoon.

"Hi. Today... I'm not getting any sleep. AND I'm already out of coffee. Boo."

Okay, it's more like 1:30a.m right now.
"But Mandy! Why are you up so late?!"
"Because of school. D:"

Yeah, I'm up doing various school things. I've got a bio test in about 7 hours that I think I'm totally UNprepared for, I have to finish an english essay for friday, another for 2 weeks after, and another for a week after that. I have a chemistry lab to do tomorrow, and I've got to be prepared. I've also got a math performance task to do on Monday, of which my notes are due today. Oh dear.

Anyways.
Chem and Math down.
Bio and Eng left to go.

I'm taking a break from brainstorming my english essay to write this blog entry. Actually, the way I've been going, it should be called "brain-drizzling." Or even "brain-misting." There isn't really anything in the way of getting things done, haha. On the other hand, you could say it's like "brain-exploding." I feel like I'm having the world's greatest debate (without rules, structure or restraint!) with myself on paper. I suppose that's what happens when you try to work this late... or early. Especially if you're me- I seem to lose the ability to form coherent thoughts after 9:30 every night.

By the time I'm finished with all of my work, it will most likely be the time I usually wake up at. Or, at the very most, an hour before. Is it really worth sleeping, even that little bit? I'm sure I'll just wake up and feel even worse. Which means an all-nighter for me. I haven't pulled one since... Last year, actually, haha. I haven't had the need to since then.

OKAY it's clear that I'm just rambling now. Let's try and find something good to write about.
...
I'm thinking
...
I'm thinking
...

Brain-blast! (Haha, Jimmy Neutron references.)

See me being purple and asian.

(Way cooler than being white and nerdy.)

Today was "Wear Purple to Commemorate The Suicides Caused by Homophobia" day. I wore a purple t-shirt, but felt that it wasn't enough... so I mixed up some red, blue and white paint and painted my entire face purple. It was a nice purple. Unfortunately, I happened to scare my mom that way... She promptly told me to wash it off. So I did. But I left a bit on, just to be that little rebel I've always been.

It's now 1:45a.m... I think I've wasted enough time. Gotta get back to the studies now!!
Or, rather... In the words of boy genius Jimmy Neutron himself, "Gotta jet!" (or was it "fly?")

Ehh... Let's just stick with

goodbye
ttyl. :)

P.S- I. NEED. COFFEE. D:

Hair today, Gone... about an hour ago.

"Hi. Today, I decided I'd take to the blades and turn them on myself... Mwahahaaaa..."

No seriously, I did. After about 3 months' drought, I finally cut my hair again. Yes, for those of you who haven't figured it out yet, I cut my own hair. Why? Cuz I'm asian- it saves money. LOL okay no, I joke. I like doing my own hair. That's all. Anyways, my bangs were getting too long (even by my standards!) and I wanted to work on some layering so... After work today, I shut myself up in my bathroom for about an hour and started snipping away. How did it turn out? Ehh... I guess we'll see tomorrow.

Speaking of which, it's purple day tomorrow! Everyone make sure to wear purple.
Okay, no. I'm not going to force people to wear purple or try to rope them into it. I'm doing it because I want to. There are people out there who can't be heard. It's not that they don't have voices- they aren't completely helpless. They are strong individuals, like everyone else. But have you ever tried to hear one voice in a crowd of hundreds? Not easy. I want to lend them my voice, even if just for a day. Because they deserve it.

From my perspective, human beings always make the mistake of trying to add order to the chaos of regular life. We attempt to sort and categorize every thing, detail, happening and whatnot that we come upon. Why not just let someone be who they are without judging them? We don't fit neatly into preset categories- this is where the idea of "individuality" comes on- it just doesn't work that way. I mean... I do whatever I want whenever I want. I may feel like having vanilla ice cream one moment, and chocolate the next, but I'll probably end up getting myself a swirl cone. ...Or pho. Ahaha. What are you going to categorize me as? Crazy? Volatile? Insane? I may be part one of them, or one of them might be part me, but you can't say I'm completely them. If that made sense at all.

Anywho, I think it's way too late for me to be blogging. My brain's been on autopilot for about a month, which results in random throughts exploding out of the tips of my fingers, through the keyboard and onto the computer screen.  Hmm... "If you're open-minded, does that mean there's a risk of your brain spilling out of your head?"

Oh dear.
:)

goodbye
ttyl. :)

P.S- I'm still working on layering... Haven't got it perfect yet, but I think I'm getting better. :) Let me know what you think after you see me tomorrow? Haha.

Grab Your Helmets and Go!

"Hi. Today, I wore a helmet to Wind Ensemble rehearsal. Needless to say, I got plenty of weird looks."

However, I don't really have a problem with being weird. It's sort of fun, really.
Thank you Mavis, for the awesome helmet! (You can find her at The Onion.)
Not much time to write today... I'm thinking of going to sleep soon.
Just wanted to point out that I have a project playlist on my blog now. :)
What's a music-ecstasy blog without some music?

goodbye
ttyl. :)

P.S- Tonight, I could use a hug... More on this some other time, maybe.

Oh, the Brain-Wracking Fun

"Hi. Today, someone complained that my blog posts aren't like they used to be. So, here's one that'll make his day. Err... night. Maybe. I hope."

Yeah.

So.

I'm actually just sorta chilling in front of the computer right now, wracking my brain for something amusing to write about. I also analyzed my past blog posts. No, seriously. I did. I've got the proof- a bunch of scribbles on some rough paper. Personally, they don't seem that different to me, stylistically. Sure, my latest blogs have been on the depressing side. But underneath all that, it still sounds like me. (Let me know what you think on that!)

My day was, all in all, uneventful. I woke up, got showered, had breakfast, went for TYWO, came home, did... pretty much nothing, and yeah. Here I am.

Oh, how I love wasting time.

Anyways, I think it's too late for some crazy-story post. I'm actually too tired to pick at my brain any further for remnants of the wit that seems to leave me every night at 9:30p.m. For those of you who don't know, I seem to experience some sort of shut down at this time every night. It's the same as the way I automatically wake up at 5:30a.m in the morning. EVERY. morning. No wonder I don't get enough sleep... and it's very inconvenient during the weekends, summer, winter and spring break.

Speaking of which, I should probably get my lazy bum off of the computer now. Get to bed. Read a book. Do something productive.

...YEAH RIGHT!

goodbye
ttyl. :)

P.S- Feel honoured that I wrote this for you. I spent a good half an hour trying to write this. It's waaaay too late to write anything good, haha. :P

w.i.p another you

"Hi. Today, I remembered one day when I was really bored in English class... This is the child of boredom and myself."

Another You

Never say hi when I pass by in the hall
Check my phone, it's you who never calls.
Makes me think if it was worth it all
And I don't know who you are anymore.

You talk it up and then you laugh it off.
You just do whatever the hell you want.
Waiting for the moment when you fall
'Cuz I don't know who you are anymore.

Gave you my life, my soul, my everything
You took it away, didn't leave me with anything
But it didn't amount to nothing to you;
Can't believe I said I loved you.

Get back in the game, just because I know I can
I know that somewhere, I'll find a better man
And those three words still can be true
I just need a
one
two
another you.

You wrote me a ong and said I'd be your all
But you didnt mean it, did you, no
Hold me, have me, drop me when you want
Now I don't know who you are anymore.

Gave you my life, my soul, my everything
You took it away, didn't leave me with anything
But it didn't amount to nothing to you;
Can't believe I said I loved you.

Get back in the game, just because I know I can
I know that somewhere, I'll find a better man
And those three words still can be true
I just need a
one
two
another you.

You played me like a puppet on a string
Was never gonna see that diamond ring
All your promises metamorphosized
Was everything you said smoke and lies?

Get back in the game, just because I know I can.
I know that somewhere, I'll find a better man
And those three words still can be true
Can't believe that I was such a fool

Gave you my life, my soul, my everything
You took it away, didn't leave me with anything
But it didn't amount to nothing to you;
Can't believe I said I loved you.

Get back in the game, just because I know I can
I know that somewhere, I'll find a better man
And those three words still can be true
I just need a
I'm gonna find a
And I'll still love a
one
two
another you.

goodbye
ttyl. :)

P.S- I should've written something called "Sparta" instead. Then, had I posted it up, I could've said "THIS. IS. 'SPARTAAAAAAAA'!" Well... Next class I'm bored in. :)

Writer's Block

"Hi. Today, oddly enough, I'm going to be writing about writer's block while I have writer's block. Ohhhh yeah."

Let's be frank: I haven't blogged in a while. I know, I know- Tsk tsk, bad girl, slap on the wrist. I said that I'd always find interesting things in my day to write about, and yes, there's always something interesting.

So why not blog?

In all honesty... I don't know.

I've been stuck in a rut. Things don't seem special enough to blog about, or it seems like I'm wasting digi-space by writing about the silly little ongoings of my life. Lately, I've been feeling really unaccomplished, like I should be doing something big and meaningful with my life right now, instead of squandering it away like I have been thus far in life. I've been trying to push myself to work more this year, to get under the skin of issues I've been eyeing only from a distance. As far as I can tell... It's not working.

Maybe I owe it to my personality. People have been remarking to me lately that I'm very chill about things. I don't seem to stress over homework assignments and tests, nor do I panic at the thought of university applications. The thing is, I do. Somewhere deep inside, I realize that I do worry about things, I do panic, and that I have some (okay no, a LOT) of insecurities, as much as I hate to admit it. But it never gets out. On it's way out of my insides, it gets cooled and frozen over so that, by the time it reaches surface level, I don't stress about it anymore. I still acknowledge it as something I need to do, or something I need to fix... It just doesn't seem so urgent anymore.

I think now would be a good time as any to state that I do have a passion for writing. Actually, no. I don't have a passion for writing. I enjoy the english language as a whole. I love to read, write, analyze, utilize and be (harhar) english. I view language as an art form, with english as my material and reading, writing, analysis and vocalization as my means. But, the same with any art form, how freely it is expressed can be affected by one's mood.

Looking back upon this past week, I've realized how unlike myself I've been. I'm not sure what's wrong, I just seem to be stuck in a bit of a funk. I feel like there's something I'm missing... Or is it just that there's something I'm craving? But if that something that I'm craving is the thing of which I'm thinking, then there's almost no possibility of my avidity becoming a reality.

Sigh.

At least I still have my way with words.

goodbye
ttyl. :)

P.S- What a flowchart of events this blog has been, lol. No, I don't know what I was trying to say. No, I'm not on any sort of substance. Haha. Maybe this blog post is akin to one of the responses you more often than not see in a contest- "Sorry, Try Again Next Time."

Happy Thanksgiving!

"Hi. Today is Thanksgiving. What have I to be thankful for?"

Taking a break from my english oral preparations, I've decided to blog about today. First, however, I'm going to post about my yesterday, as I promised a few people.

Anyways, I woke up, cleaned up the house, did some homework, went out, then had some people over. We played SSBB (I totally pwned. Admit it, guys.), had dinner, played... a short-lived game of monopoly, with some stella-ella-oh-la in between (is that how you spell it?) and then moved on to play Taboo... Which you guys also got pwned at. ;) Played some card games... haha. I won't mention them here... But it was fun. :)

Just hearing that doesn't make it seem like much fun, but I had a blast. I think that it wasn't what we did that defined how much fun we had, it was the company that we were in. Which brings me to my main point of today.

This weekend is a long weekend due to Thanksgiving. While I don't usually celebrate in the traditional way (having family over, listing that for which we are thankful), I do take some time to consider the things I have in life. Maybe it's due to the sentimentality of realizing that this is my last year in high school, but I've come to realize just how much the people I've come to call "my friends" matter to me.

"What is a friend?"

It's such a deceiving little question, that one. There is no simple answer to what a friend is. Just as every person on earth is unique, every friend is unique, too. Some friends are the ones you hang out with regularly. Some friends are the ones that you don't see often. You may have some friends who are good at making you laugh, and others who you can just talk to when you're down, and they'll listen. Some friends, you'll have for as long as you live. Some friends, unfortunately, may only stay as such for even as little as a year or two. But no matter how long a friend is your friend, or how far apart the two of you are now, you cannot change the fact that this person was, at some point in time, close enough to be called a friend, close enough to affect your life.

Since last Thanksgiving, I feel as though my own list of 'friends' has changed quite a lot. I've made a lot of new friends, and reconnected with old ones. Sad to say, I've also lost a friend, one whom I considered to be my greatest friend. But, while we may have parted for now, I can always hope that someday, our paths shall cross again.

People are ever-changing beings. We strive for change, to pull ourselves away from the dull norm of every-. By doing so, the relationships we have with other people also change. It is both exciting and frightening to realize this, and sometimes a little bit depressing.

But, as aforementioned, "change" cannot affect that which has already happened.

My friend, whoever, wherever or whenever you were, you were a part of my life. You brought my smiles and my laughter. You were my support and my comfort. In you, I found a home. Now, even though you are no more, I will continue on with a smile on my face. You changed first; It's my turn now. But, change as I might, I won't ever forget the things that you did for me, the lessons that you taught me, what you meant to me, nor the memories that you gave me.

My friend, I am thankful for you.

goodbye
ttyl. :)

P.S- As you once said... It's never truly goodbye. I'll always be hoping to find you once again... so ttyl. :)

Strength

"Hi. Today, I got sick. :)"

My mom got me and my sisters three keys- one key each. On each key was a word. For my older sister, "Wisdom." For my younger sister, "Hope."

And what was I stuck with?

"Strength."

At first, this was a no-brainer. I'd always been physically stronger than my siblings, and I had the illusion of being stronger mentally and emotionally as well. But now, I've got myself thinking about what real strength is.

Is it how much you can carry? Or how far your voice reaches? Is strength to deny all weakness, or is it to admit and accept them?

Of course, this question cannot go unaccompanied by the question of what weakness is. Is it weak, for example, to fall ill? Is it weak to show compassion for one in need?

Is it weak to fall?
Or is it strength to pick yourself back up?

Is it weak to cry?
Or is it strength to admit that you need to?

Is it weak to want the impossible?
Or is it strength to go after it anyways?

Is it weak to love hopelessly?
Or is it strength to continue on, even so?

A wise man once asked, "Is the unexamined life worth living?"
Unexamined.
Not unanswered.
And so,
I'll leave you with that thought for now.

Let me know what you think.

goodbye
ttyl. :)

P.S- I hope I get better soon. I need my voice back!

That Guy

[Note: This is mainly me talking to myself. You probably won't get it.]

"Hi. Today has been an off day for me... It was too bleak, too grey; my mind was all fuzzy. I couldn't think clearly at all..."

My head's in a jumble. I think it has been for the past while, but it's particularly bad right now. I can't think straight, and I don't think I'm feeling anything right... I don't think I'm even making sense right now, haha. All I've been (attempting to, at least) thinking about lately is the predicatment I've gotten myself into (damn you for being so naive, Mandy.) I don't know what to do about it, or how to get myself out of it. It's like me and math; I know what I'm looking for, what will be the only answer for me, but I don't know how to get there, how to show my steps. (Yes, this is how I failed math. Boo.)

For the past 24 hours(ish) I've been trying to convince myself that what I want isn't actually what I want, and that I should just drop it, give it up. I tried to live like that for a day. Let's just say that I'm not all too happy right now, with myself or with the situation.
But there's just some things in life that you can't force. This would be one of them. So...  I shouldn't try to. I should just move on, find something else to occupy myself with, right?

"Oh, tonight I'm feeling fine
I'm alone, just wasting time
No Friday movie nights
Or romantic candle lights

I'm just having conversations
With the thoughts in my head
All I hear are angels crying
Oh, won't they just sing instead
It would be wrong for me to say

I don't need that girl by my side
I don't need that girl in my life
I don't want to talk it out
Or hold her when she cries

I don't want to say she's my kind
I don't want to say that she's mine
I don't want to tell her that
I love her more than life
More than life, Yeah
Love her more than life
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Honestly, this won't do
How is she doing?
I tell myself I'm feeling swell
But I know I'm such a fool

I could take it as a new beginning
But you know I don't feel that way
Who will take all this pain away?
I know it's wrong for me to say
I don't need that girl by my side
I don't need that girl in my life
I don't want to talk it out
Or hold her when she cries

I don't want to say she's my kind
I don't want to say that she's mine
I don't want to tell her that
I love her more than life
More than life, Yeah
Love her more than life
Yeah, yeah, yeah

Talk about a sin
Was the day I walked into the other side
I would run back in
I wouldn't waste no time
I know it's wrong for me to say

I don't need that girl by my side
I don't need that girl in my life
I don't want to talk it out
Or hold her when she cries

I don't want to say she's my kind
I don't want to say that she's mine
I don't want to tell her that
I love her more than life
More than life, Yeah
Love her more than life
Yeah, yeah, yeah"
(That Girl, by David Choi)

Who do I have to lie to for my life to get back in order?

goodbye
ttyl. :)

P.S- I can't keep lying to myself.

Dare You To Move

"Hi. Today, I didn't really do anything exciting... but I did manage to finally take a much-needed nap."

Naps are great for clearing your head. Prior to that, you've got all these thoughts buzzing around, kicking up mad storms of mental dust. I think I've finally been able to wrap my head around the things that people have been telling me these days. But before I get into that, I should finish what I started yesterday.

So... A friend and I had a talk yesterday, continuous throughout our Nuit Blanche episode. It started off as just "How are you doing these days?" but soon enough, we were talking about the decisions you make in life. We didn't get too far into it, but it set my mind spinning once I started thinking.

Security vs Freedom. With security, you have the comfort of knowing how things are, where things stand and what you have to do. However, you can't take any chances at what you might want, for fear of changing your happy, predictable life as it is. With freedom, you can choose to pursue what you want, and you can go at it with everything you have. The problem is that you can't predict the consequences. And who knows? Something may just go terribly wrong (as I've already found out.)

The decision to make now, that I seem to always have to make, is which road to take. On the one hand, I'm always being a risk-taker. I do things my way, and I go for whatever I want, regardless of the possible consequences. On the other hand... I don't know. It sort of feels like I should've learned my lesson by now- that it's not quite so easy to trust someone, that I should be cautious with everyone I meet, even if they aren't anything alike.

"Well..." I say to myself. "Let's think about this, aight?
"So far, you've been jumping headfirst into everything, and giving it all you've got. I know it sounds good in your head and all, but let's see where that's gotten you. It's left you with 2 back-stabbing jerks, a bunch of lost friends, and people who won't even look you in the eye. Sure, there's the occassional guy who remains your friend (and seriously, he's a great friend), but is it really worth the risk? Why would you do that to yourself?" (This continued for quite some time.)

After that hours-long lecture from myself, I still didn't have an answer for myself. But now I'm thinking... maybe it wouldn't be so bad to see where this goes all on its own.

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love".
Quote Neil Gaiman

goodbye
ttyl. :)

P.S- The only bad thing about that nap is that I don't wanna go to sleep now... Oops.

Nuit Blanche

"Hi. Today, I walked between two naked ladies. Awkward much?"

I haven't really got much time to write, since I should be going to sleep soon, but I feel like I've been neglecting my blog for the past few days. And I did promise that I would write often, so here's a short entry on my day today.

My internal alarm clock woke me up at 6. Usually, I wouldn't be too bothered about this; it's routine, after all. The thing is, I've been getting more and more exhausted every day. Between work, becmong ever-more sleep deprived, rehearsals, school work, and practicing, I barely have time to rest. It's all that I can do not to feel loaded down by the amount of stress I should feel. But that's a whole different story.
Anyways, I woke up at 6 (/groan) and found that I'd fallen asleep while texting some people... Whoops, sorry lol. Texted them all back (at 6. again, sorry, don't really think that early) and amazingly, I was able to fall asleep again. :)

Cut to 9:00am. Insert mother banging on door, yelling at you to get up and start on work. Follow that with pulling yourself out of bed, walking out the door (after walking into the door frame once) and then working for the next 4 hours. Then... went out for lunch, came home, showered and got prettied up (well... that's sorta impossible for me lol) and went out to meet a friend to meet some friends to go downtown... erghhh let's just say I went to Nuit Blanche with some friends, lol.

We saw some amazing art there. Not amazing as in like... "THE SECRETS OF LIFE HAVE BEEN REVEALED TO ME!" but amazing in the way the artist was able to express an idea. There were some pretty cool ongoing projects too... Gotta remember to visit in December to see the finished works. There was also a strange parade of even stranger people...

My absolute FAVOURITE exhibit was one that really tested human boundaries. It was set up like so:
There was a doorway that you had to pass through.
In the doorway, facing each other, were two naked women.
The only way through the doorway was to go in between them.
You can imagine how awkward it was.

Why was this my favourite? (for those of you about to answer as such, no it wasn't because there were naked women. seriously.)
It was because it wasn't a visual art. It tested human behaviour; how far we'd be willing to go just to get through the doorway; how easy it was to make someone feel uncomfortable. I don't know about the others that went through, but I got shivers down my back when I passed through the doorway.

So why did I do it?
Because, to me, this was a challenge. And I always rise to a challenge. :)

Anyways, all throughout the night, I was having... sort of an on-going conversation with a friend of mine. I think... some pretty deep stuff was discussed there...
...But that's for another time.
Because my head is starting to spin and it's getting harder and harder to piece together words to form coherent thoughts. xD
I do hope that made sense.

goodbye
ttyl. :)

P.S- It was awkward, yes, but... what a thrill to feel an emotion after so long.