Why?

It's been a while since I've written, and it's been a downward spiral all the way. The beauty of life seems to dwindle before my eyes, every waking moment. It's still there, it's right in front of me. But it fades, as though a filter has been shed upon everything in existence. Or perhaps it's me, shrouded in a veil I've become all too familiar with.

While I'm away from home for studies, I now have my own room. A little sanctuary to call my own, although it often doubles as a jail cell. It's small, and cozy, and has a large bay window facing the backyard. It is cold in my room because of the window, but I do not mind at all, for the view makes up for much of it. The backyard is large, with a patio deck and stairs leading to a lower level, stairs that run adjacent to the mini-waterfall. There is a run-down shed in the corner of the yard, red and wooden. A family of skunks lived in there for a short time, until the entrance was blocked. Who knows if they're still there now- I suspect that they are. There are trees and bushes and flowers in the yard. The autumn leaves have turned crisp and have fallen. At one point, they were vibrant colours of red, orange, yellow and gold. Or maybe they still are, and it is only my vision that has dulled their bright hues to a subdued brown. Before my window stands one lone Japanese Maple tree. Its leaves have turned all shades of scarlett, and on clear days, I am allowed the sight of bright red leaves against a pure blue sky. The entire backyard is unkempt and wild, beautiful in its natural way. Sometimes, I wonder if it is not the room that is my solace, but the view of the outside world.

As the seasons turn from Summer to Autumn, and then Autumn to Winter, my outlook on life turns also from a content existentialism to something that resembles nihilism more and more each day. What am I doing, why am I doing it? What should I be doing- or rather, why should I be doing it? It becomes more and more difficult each passing day to wake up, to drag myself out of my bed by the few remaining strands of moral obligation, and to get about with my day. The days march on meaninglessly, sometimes passing quickly, and other times streaming along with the viscosity of molasses. Either way, they fall one by one, simply, quietly, like the leaves that drift silently to the ground during October. Why do I bother waking each and every morning? It is as though I am being forced to paint without inspiration.

I don't know what it is that keeps me going. I feel restless, like I need to continue moving. I feel homeless, like there isn't a niche for me in the world. I feel crowded, as though I require more space and time alone. And I feel lonely, as though there is not a soul in the world compatible to my own. No matter what I do, no matter where I go, the question at the end of the day still remains the same.

28% Battery

I'm not gonna bother with any of that crap tonight. My laptop's got about an hour left... I don't know what I'm gonna do when that hour's up. Maybe I'll go insane.

But that would be too easy. Letting me off the hook, letting me finally shut down this weary mind. Life won't allow for it.

I haven't slept in the past week.

No one seems to notice the differences... But I do. I'm tired. I don't care. I don't want to. All of that happens. I'm greying from the inside out... I don't even take care of myself. Not that I ever did.

It just feels like there's something that needs to be done, something that's still wrong, something I need to fix. And until that feeling disappears, I am not allowed rest.

I'm so tired of life...

[Im]Maturity

I've gone out with a lot of guys. Usually, when things end, things are a bit awkward for a while. This is normal, of course. After that period of time, things return to normal, and we're at least acquaintances, if not friends.

So far, there is only one person I have ever regretted going out with. 

Warning, the following is most likely a rant.

You,

You'll know who you are. You'll know that I'm talking about you. You'll  know that this is directed at you.

Are you telling me that, after a fucking year, you can't bring yourself to grow up and snap out of it? Because you, sir, are fucking ridiculous. You're immature, you're needy, you're whiny, you're an attention whore. You're two-faced and deceiving, and honestly, you sicken me to my stomach. You're always trying to get attention, always trying to act big... but you know what? Even if you try to forget and ignore it, we'll all remember what you were and still are- just a little boy in love with himself. 

Excuse me if I'm trying to just patch things up. It'd be much easier without doing so, mind you, to just keep going along with you finally out of my way.

Call me a "fucking bitch" for that?

Haha, nice joke. No wonder you have no friends.

Good luck and have fun with the rest of your miserable lonely life.

Jerk.

A Ceiling Full of Stars

"Hi. Today, I learned why they say that ignorance is bliss. I learned something I would have been better off not knowing. I learned how to hurt again."

For a while, it was like a dreamland come true. I felt... Well, I wouldn't say that I felt like a princess. But I definitely... Felt something different than I have for a very long time. The feeling like I was the only one. Feeling like I could fly. Feeling like I was up so high... Floating in the sky. All that was above me was a ceiling full of stars.

But then it all came crashing down. I came crashing down. The dreamland faded, and crumbled, and broke, and as it did, so did I.

Don't you hate when that happens?

When, in the midst of what little happiness you have, it takes just one tiny moment, one small gap, one pinprick of light to cause all of that to disappear?

I didn't want to know it. I had thought of it, yes. It had come to mind more than once. On many occasions did I notice things I didn't really want to. I suspected it. But I had never really thought of what would happen if I were to know for sure...

Now I do.

Fuck.

Don't you hate when you find out something you weren't supposed to, something that someone important was trying to hide from you? Something that causes your day to flip from bright to dark, from warm to cold, from happy to sad...

A ceiling full of stars.
So many pinpricks of light...
So distant.
So cold.
So dark.
So alone.

Maybe I'm still up here after all.

goodbye
ttyl :)

P.S- Maybe happiness is just an illusion created by the gaps in time when we aren't sad... Maybe... Happiness is just the absence of sadness, of anger, of loss, a momentary lapse in our downward spiral of inevitable defeat.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1qiPGmYJA4&feature=related

White and Purple

"Hi. Today, I'm sitting in theory class... waiting for it to start. I honestly don't see why I bother coming to class sometimes..."

Aha. So it's been like... What, 3 months since I last blogged? I keep promising to blog more but I never seem to stick to it... Honestly, I need one of those machines that slap you to keep you awake or something. Except I'd have to wire it to slap me every night of the days I don't blog. (My cheeks would be really red and puffy if that were to actually happen...!)

SOOOO ...
What's new?

Well, I graduated from High School last June, so... I'm a university student now! (Whoo!) Which university, I won't be saying, but the name of this post should make it pretty obvious. As it is right now, I'm sitting in a lecture hall, waiting for a Theory class to start. I find that, in this class, we don't really do much theory- it's more of a history thing... Although, we did have a counterpoint assignment to do. (We're now discussing Monody. Whoooo. Old stuff.)

Life has been a lot different since I left high school. I'm not bothered anymore by parents, or siblings (with the exception of my sister-roommate, but even that's not so bad), or by annoying people at school. Yeah, I'm somewhat antisocial... What can I say? I like my space, I like my privacy. :)

There are a certain few that I enjoy spending my time with though. Some friends came and visited this past weekend, actually. I had a blast... It was nice spending time with those I had spent all summer with. I don't know if they could tell, but I had missed them horribly.

(If any of you are reading this; YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME. When's the next one?)

Anyways, long story short, I am going to try and blog a bit more regularly. Maybe not every day, but at least once every week maybe. I've gotten into the habit of sticking post-its by my door and on my window and on my table and... well, everywhere, really, to remind myself of things I need to do. Perhaps it's time to add another one :)

goodbye
ttyl :)

P.S- I still haven't forgotten why I do that.

Don't tell me what to do.
Don't tell me who to be.
Don't tell me what to feel.

If I'm crying, don't tell me to stop.

She still bothers me.
It bothers me that you talk to her.
Bothers me even more that you would talk to her for help rather than me.
Bothers me still.
Dammit.