Would you know my name?

...If I saw you in heaven.

"Hi. I know I'm not really keeping up with the whole "Hi... ttyl :) P.S" structure that I set for myself in the beginning of this blog's time (eek!) but I haven't really been feeling like it... Again, something I'll try and get myself back to."

I don't know what's up with me tonight. It's that feeling that gets me every time... After all these years of going through it, I think I've finally pegged it for what it is.

Have you ever felt so lonely that it drove you insane?

It feels like I've driven myself into a situation where there isn't anyone I can talk to anymore, no one close enough to share all my secrets with. There have only been a few people like that to begin with, but somehow, something goes wrong every time. Tonight, there's no one close. No one to talk to, no one to understand. No one to cheer me up. No one to hold me, and tell me everything it's alright.
No one to tell me I'm not alone.

Because, in the end, I really am.

A natural loner, the black sheep in the family.

What made me this way?

Why am I this way?

I'm so confused...
There are times where I feel reduced to a little girl. Everything's too big, it towers over me. I can't see where I'm going, I've lost my way. Sometimes, I want a hand to hold on to, someone to guide me, someone to carry me when I'm tired. Maybe not even someone to do all that... What I wouldn't give for someone to just be by my side. We could even get lost together... I wouldn't mind. Not as long as you're here with me.

Or maybe I should just grow up.

I just want to shake myself out of this. I want to grab myself by the shoulders, give me a wake-up call back to life.
Wake up.
Stop being so selfish.
Stop being so immature.
You aren't a child anymore.
Get stronger.
Don't cry.
No weaknesses.
No mistakes.
Be perfect.
So what if you're on your own?
That's all you've ever had- "Me, myself, and I."
The only people you can trust.
That's all you need, right?

I keep telling myself this, and that somehow, I'll make everything work out.
Failure doesn't happen because failure just isn't an option to me.
Failure is unacceptable.
So are mistakes.
So is weakness.

So once again, close your eyes.
Hold back your tears, hold in your heart.
Let no one see your sadness, your worries, your loneliness.

goodbye
ttyl. (not feeling so smiley tonight... I'm just going to listen to music for a few hours, I think.)

P.S- It really isn't.